We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
