I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
