There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
