"it" just moved
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
