a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
