The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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