I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
