What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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