I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Semen is not good for contacts.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
