And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
