she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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