I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
