so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
