M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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