I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
