well I can't set my house on fire every night
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
