I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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