Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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