I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
