apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He did a backflip because drugs
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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