I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
