I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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