hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
