also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
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