Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just threw up on my dentist
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
