so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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