Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I think I just sharted jello shots
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
