"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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