I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
