In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
