How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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