We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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