Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize