it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
