he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
