my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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