I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Pants are for mortals
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
