He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
