i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
