My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
