I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
