it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
