I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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