he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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