There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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