Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
