Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
