Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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