i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
