if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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