T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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