So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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