I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
