mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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