i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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