They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
