The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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