i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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