I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
