You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
