My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
