i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
